In the bustling heart of Seoul, Yoon Jeong-hee and Park Nam-Cheol share a beautifully furnished apartment filled with family photos and mementos of their life together. Yet behind this seemingly happy home, they lead entirely separate lives.

Park, a 64-year-old retiree, spends most of his days tending a garden and residing in his shipping container house in his childhood hometown of Jeonju. Meanwhile, his wife, Yoon, a 59-year-old gas meter reader, enjoys her urban life in Seoul, participating in cultural events and taking long walks on mountain trails with her friends during her time off work.

“We catch up over meals sometimes, but our social circles and daily routines have completely grown apart,” Park mentioned, who visits his Seoul house once or twice a month for family events. “We may not be in love anymore, but we’ve found a way to make it work, and that’s enough for us.”

This aging South Korean couple and many others have fallen out of love but continue to stay married, navigating an unconventional marriage arrangement that reflects a broader cultural shift.

Influenced by societal expectations, the stigma surrounding divorce and financial considerations, older Korean couples increasingly choose to remain married while leading separate lives. This phenomenon, commonly known as “Graduation from Marriage,” or jolhon in Korean (졸혼), poses a unique challenge to traditional concepts of love, commitment and family dynamics in a country where family values have been highly regarded for a long time.

Whether choosing cohabitation or separate housing, these couples agree to live independent lives while maintaining an amicable relationship. Older couples often embrace this arrangement after their children leave home. Unlike a simple separation, these couples have not entirely lost their emotional connection, keeping the door open for a potential return to traditional married life.

Family experts note that an increasing number of troubled couples are opting for this alternative to divorce.

“Many clients inquire about jolhon during counseling sessions,” said Choi Kang-hyun, a seasoned marriage counselor and head of the Research Institute for Married Couples’ Happiness. “Initially considering divorce, they ultimately settle on jolhon, wary of the legal separation process.”

Choi, who spent a decade as a family matter adviser at the Uijeongbu District Court, has assisted numerous couples in embracing this unorthodox arrangement, formalizing the extent of their freedom in notarized documents.

“They seek assurance that promises will be upheld rather than remain empty words,” he explained.

One factor contributing to the rise in jolhon arrangements is the increased economic independence of women. Recent data from Statistics Korea shows that the female employment rate in the 15-64 age group rose to 60% in 2022, marking a 10% surge over the past two decades.

For Yoon, who has been in a jolhon arrangement with her husband for the past four years, her financial self-sufficiency was crucial in considering this option. 

“Had I not been able to support myself financially, I would have been hesitant to pursue this arrangement,” she said.

An illustration of an elderly couple living separate lives | Image: Korea Pro

AVOIDING SOCIAL STIGMA

Japanese author Yumiko Sugiyama introduced the concept of jolhon, or sotsukon in Japanese, in her 2004 book “Recommending Graduation from Marriage.” It describes a marriage in which couples seek independence from one another without pursuing a divorce.

The term gained traction in Korea after veteran comedian Baek Il-seob referred to his marriage as jolhon on a TV show in 2017. This celebrity endorsement lent a positive image to the concept, making it more approachable to the public.

Experts observe that individuals are increasingly attracted to the jolhon option to avoid the societal stigma associated with divorce.

“Later-life divorce is often seen as the height of personal misfortune,” said Lee Ho-sun, head of the Korean Geriatric Counseling Center. “Jolhon bypasses such adverse perceptions, embodying a more lighthearted and refined image.”

Lee, a counselor with 25 years of experience working with middle-aged and senior couples, has observed many clients gravitating toward jolhon due to its practical benefits.

“You can avoid emotional exhaustion and financial uncertainty linked to asset division in divorce while being able to pursue your desires in a relationship,” she said. “It seems as though a safety net is provided.”

One of the appealing aspects of jolhon is that it offers a way to shield children from the trauma of a family breakup and the social disapproval often directed toward those from divorced families. “And for that reason, children are often more cooperative, and it is surely a burden lifted for parents,” Choi said.

According to a 2021 survey by marriage consulting company Duo, 76% of female and 61.3% of male respondents in their 20s and 30s said they would support their parents’ jolhon.

The younger generation approves of this new marital approach, with 70.7% of female and 60% of male respondents viewing jolhon positively. In contrast, only 52.9% of them approve of divorce.

BROADER APPEAL

In Korean society, older couples often devote their lives to their children, leading to a strong sense of loss and an urgent need to redefine their identities once the children have moved out. Jolhon, a diplomatic approach to address this challenge, encourages spouses to recognize and embrace their differing lifestyle preferences, fostering mutual support as they navigate their twilight years together.

As couples experience jolhon, many find that their relationships transform for the better, according to Lee, who has conducted follow-up counseling sessions for such couples. The newfound freedom from daily conflicts and obligations allows spouses to become more generous and understanding toward one another.

However, jolhon has its challenges. The broad scope of personal freedom it promotes may extend to permitting extramarital relationships. Choi has observed that in some cases, such arrangements can lead to divorce, as the emotional strain of infidelity often exceeds even the most well-intentioned agreements.

“Many couples discover that they cannot tolerate the reality of extramarital affairs as well as they initially thought,” Choi explained. “But some continue this arrangement by turning a blind eye.”

An illustration of an elderly couple arguing | Image: Korea Pro

FALLING DIVORCE RATE

According to data from Statistics Korea, the increasing divorce rate among individuals aged 60 and over reversed its trend last year for the first time in a decade. This decline is expected to continue as the divorce rate among those aged 55-59, soon to enter their 60s, has also decreased since 2020.

The analysis points toward increased economic insecurity brought on by inflation and reduced asset values caused by rising interest rates as the primary reasons for this trend. Some experts say the growing popularity of jolhon could be another contributing factor.

Shin Hyoung-jin, a sociology professor at Kyungpook National University in Daegu, told Korea Pro that, “There might be a correlation, considering it being an alternative to divorce for those hoping not to be economically vulnerable after asset splitting.”

Divorce lawyer Lee In-cheol, with 18 years of experience, cautiously agreed, citing the increasing number of clients who agreed to jolhon through court mediation during divorce proceedings.

The longevity of this trend is debated among experts, with opinions hinging on the extent to which they believe Korean society is rooted in patriarchal and Confucian values.

While Shin views it as a transitional phenomenon that will eventually give way to divorce as younger generations embrace individualism, others see jolhon as a practical alternative that will continue to be highly sought-after as life expectancies increase.

“We live 100 plus years now,” Lee Ho-sun said. “As a way to survive long-term marriage with a single person, more and more people would inevitably come up with some anomalies, one of which is keeping their distance from their partner.”

Edited by John Lee